A Reason To Smile
by Rae D. Magdon
Summary: While observing Leliana and the Warden, Wynne remembers her time in the Circle with a mixture of joy and sadness.


**AN:** Happy Femslash February/Valentines Day, people! This was written with my friend Cabiria il Notte. Follow me on tumblr at raedmagdon and her at cabiria-il-notte so you can see what we're up to.

**Prompt:** Someone requested a smutty fic with Wynne, and so we flashed back to her days in the Circle. This is kind of AU, in that we took Aneirin and changed him to a human female named Alina instead of a male elf and made her Wynne's lover (as well as changing some ages). We'll leave it up to you to resolve the differences in canon in your head, but the results were worth it.

**. . .**

**A Reason To Smile**

_with Cabiria il Notte_

**. . .**

The nights were always hardest. The hardships of the day sapped her energy, but it wasn't too difficult to maintain her positive outlook. She had years of experience focusing on the good and keeping the bad in perspective. On good nights, she could almost forget the Blight entirely. Her tent acted as a buffer to the chorus of crickets and the gentle winds that blew against the flap. The sounds had a calming, even keel, and mixed with Oghren's persistent snoring, they helped lull her to sleep.

But there were also difficult nights. They seemed like the good nights at first, humming a lullaby. But the sounds changed. First, a tide of giggles, almost always followed by a quick snap of reprimand from Morrigan's tent. Then louder giggles, followed by the long, unmistakable sound of silence peppered with mewls of pleasure, just soft enough to feel deafening. This silence was different than on the good nights. It wasn't ever silence at all. Just hushed breaths, low gasps, and pleading whimpers that were too loud to be missed.

It wasn't that she disapproved of the Warden and the bard's blossoming romance. But it was uncomfortably familiar. The quiet whispers and tense groans were hard to mistake for anything other than lovemaking, and she wondered, had she and Alina been so obvious in their attempts to be candid?

And candidness had been necessary. Officially, the Circle frowned on unions between mages. Locking all Ferelden's mages together in a tower apparently posed no threat, but allowing two to go off on their own was considered dangerous, even fertile ground for rebellion. Unofficially, the templars only made perfunctory efforts to stop them, and the First Enchanter made none at all. They knew the reality of the situation. Human nature could not be changed, and the mages would find ways to be alone regardless of the consequences.

She had been no different. Even though she chose to see purpose in the Circle's rules, she had broken several during her youth. And on the bad nights, all her memories came flooding back, beautiful and bittersweet. They kept her awake long after the sounds from the neighboring tents had quieted and nothing remained but the whisper of the night breeze.

Still, she did her best to contain them. The distance of time gave her some comfort, and her grief had long since scarred over. She had grown accustomed to the ache over the years, and sometimes, when she thought about Alina, she even managed to smile. She was smiling the day the Warden stopped by her tent, and continued smiling as they fell into conversation.

The discussion started simple enough, but soon, Elissa's youth and inexperience presented a problem. As their thoroughly one sided conversation regarding mortality dwindled down, she tried her best to impart, gently of course, a bit of understanding to the girl. To coax her without force into cherishing her nights beneath the moon, the open air, and in the bard's arms.

"Many waste the life given to them occupying themselves with things that do not matter. When the end comes, they say they did not have time enough to spend with loved ones, to fulfill dreams, to go on adventures they only talked about. But why should you fear death if you are happy with the life you have led? If you can look back on everything and say 'Yes, I am content', it is enough."

Wynne watched Elissa accept all she had said with a pensive gaze. "And are you content?"

She laughed and gave a weak shrug. "Of course there are things in life I wish had turned out differently, but yes. More or less."

"Don't you have any regrets at all?"

"I try not to dwell too much on the mistakes of my past, of which there are many. I would go quite mad if I did that. But I do have one regret. The gravest mistake of my life. Maybe even more grave because it had dire consequences for someone else..."

She saw the ghost of Alina's face again, this time reflected in the concerned crease of Elissa's brow. The worry there was strikingly similar, and it made her heart ache. For a moment, the scarred-over wound cracked open, and the raw pain from all those years ago came rushing back.

"Tell me. It might make you feel better."

"Only changing the past could make me feel better, my dear, and that is impossible. But perhaps you're right. It may help to talk about it." She closed her eyes for a moment, drawing in a shaking breath. "I've noticed that you and Leliana have grown… close."

Elissa's look of concern quickly shifted to one of annoyance. Her resemblance to Alina vanished almost instantly. "If you're going to give me another friendly lecture about how love is dangerous, please don't. There's a Blight. Any of us could die at any time. That's no reason to stop living."

Wynne sighed. "No. You're right. It isn't a reason to stop living. I just want you to be prepared." She paused, debating whether to continue, but the story had already started replaying in her head. She could do nothing else but finish it. "I do not fear death anymore, but that doesn't mean death comes without pain, whether it's yours…" She glanced over the Warden's shoulder to where Leliana was sitting near the fire, watching the setting sun with her lute resting in her lap. "... Or someone else's."

Elissa took a step forward, cutting her line of sight to Leliana. "Nothing is going to happen to anyone else as long as I breathe."

She couldn't help being impressed. The girl had conviction, but years ago, so had she. She had been bound and determined to protect Alina at all costs. "Hubris does not keep hearts beating. It only offers false comfort, which will serve to drive you mad when you're old and alone with your thoughts. Accept you are powerless, and you may both get through this." She stared for a long, silent moment, and then her gaze softened. "You didn't ask for a lecture, and here I am giving one. You asked a question, didn't you?"

Elissa nodded. Her arms remained crossed, but her stance was far less intimidating. "Tell me what happened?"

"It might not be easy to believe, but when I was young, I had much in common with you. I was confident. Happy." She let her eyes wander back over to Leliana, and this time, the Warden did not bristle at the look. "I was even in love."

To her credit, Elissa did not seem surprised. There was no mention of her age, or even her status as a member of the Circle. She simply asked, "Who was he?"

Wynne smiled. This time, when Alina's face floated to the front of her mind, it was pleasant instead of painful. The curve of her cheek was softer, the point of her chin a little narrower than Elissa's, but there was something similar about the way they carried themselves, filled with energy and optimism. "She was my apprentice, and her name was Alina."

That did take Elissa by surprise. Her jaw dropped. "You were in love with another woman? I - I wouldn't have guessed…"

"Surely you don't think you're the only girl in Thedas who enjoys the company of other women? I had several lovers of both genders during my time at the Circle. I even had a son with one of them, but… that is a story for another day. One painful memory at a time."

Elissa's surprise shifted back to concern. "Painful? She hurt you?"

Wynne hesitated. It was not an easy question to answer. She wasn't sure exactly what she could say to satisfy her young companion's curiosity that wouldn't force her deeper into her own thoughts. But as memories started to flitter in and out of her mind, she understood that there would be no easy way out of this. "It was never her intention to hurt me, no. But often it is not the intent that does damage, but the end result. Self-preservation is an instinct we all possess, and I'm sure if there were any way she could have survived, she would have done so."

The sadness in Elissa's eyes slowly shifted to worry, and it tugged hard at Wynne's gut. While Alina looked a good bit different than her young friend, they both seemed to share the same expression of worry and dread. She stared into the familiar gaze for long, silent moments, her mind somewhere else...

"_How much longer do you think we have?" Alina's breath is warm beside her ear, gentle and soft as it blows the loose strands of her hair._

_She smiles, folding one arm around Alina's waist. "Another hour, maybe two." They probably have far less time, but it is easier to pretend. And when she stares at Alina's lips, soft and red and parted for yet another kiss, she can almost believe it. She wills herself to believe it._

_And then Alina is pressing against her, tugging at what's left of her clothes. "Well then, we'd better make the most of our time…"_

"You mean she died."

It was a statement, not a question. The finality in it dragged Wynne from her memories again. She nodded. "Yes. She died. And even though I didn't kill her, I hold myself responsible. She was my apprentice. It was my job to make sure she survived her Harrowing. I failed."

"I'm sure you didn't fail her. If she wasn't strong enough..."

"Her death had nothing to do with strength. Had we spent half as much time studying incantations as we did slinking off together, I have little doubt she would be at our side."

"So… you spent a lot of time in… private locations?"

It was her turn to look surprised. Her brow arched, and she broke the tension with a small laugh. "A great deal. Yes."

Elissa narrowed her gaze. "Really?!"

"I was young once too, my dear. Believe it or not, we were just as enthusiastic as you and your bard." Her tone carried a hint of annoyance, but in truth, she was grateful to let her mind focus elsewhere. Remembering Alina's life was far less painful than remembering her death...

_She cries out, bucking forward to seek the warmth of Alina's mouth. Her stomach muscles tense with need, and she digs her heels harder into the mattress. She wants to look down, to watch her lover's face while she comes, but the steady thrusts of Alina's hand and the heat of her mouth are too intense. Her eyes squeeze shut, and she arches off of the bed, nearly forgetting to breathe._

"_Alina!"_

_It's the only sound she can manage before the shuddering starts. The pressure swelling inside of her finally spills over, and she gasps as her inner muscles flutter around Alina's fingers. Her body locks up, and she threads her fingers through the tangled locks of Alina's hair, holding her firmly in place._

Wynne blinked, refocusing her attention on Elissa. "You needn't look so surprised," she said, taking in the Warden's flushed cheeks and gaping mouth. "The two of you aren't exactly quiet in the evenings. Or is it my past that you find embarrassing?"

"I didn't mean… I just… Oh, never mind," Elissa sighed.

Wynne knew it was wrong to take delight in the girl's stammering, but she simply couldn't resist. She let her gaze travel the small encampment, focusing on Leliana once more. "But just think of what fun lies ahead of you. If you are lucky enough to live into old age, perhaps one day you'll enjoy a blank stare of disbelief from a young, lovesick fool."

Elissa blushed further, following her gaze and smiling toothily when it landed on Leliana. "Did you...you know? Get to be with one another for a long time at least?"

The question wasn't surprising, but it still made her pause. Words seemed inadequate. She looked to the Warden. Even after countless battles at Elissa's side, she had never seen such a fearful look. She opened her mouth to speak, intent on telling the truth, but the words failed her. Instead, she simply shook her head.

_Alina is not there. It is the first thing she notices when the door opens. Alina is not there, and one of the templars has his sword unsheathed. Its edge is stained with crimson. At first, she doesn't believe it. She tries to peer past the templars, to rush up the stairs, but they close ranks and block her way._

_When she realizes it is no use, she calls out instead. "Alina?"_

_No response from inside the room._

"_Alina!"_

_The silence rips open a hole in her chest. She waits, listening numbly for her name even though she knows she will not hear it. Her heart stops when she realizes she will never hear it again in Alina's voice. The word fills her head, starting as a whisper and rising into a scream. Never, never, never..._

_Sometimes, apprentices die. She has always been told this. But she never imagined it could be hers. And Alina was so much more than just her apprentice._

"So, what did you do?" Elissa's voice was quiet, just barely over a whisper.

"It took a very long time, but...I forced myself to move on. For Alina, mostly. There was a time I considered leaving the Circle. I was convinced the templars had acted in haste, that they had not given her the time required to overcome the challenges of the Fade. Then I worried. Worried that perhaps our interactions and...bond...harmed her in the end. If she succumbed to a desire demon too easily because we cared for one another..." She shook her head solemnly. "But leaving the place that was our home would mean I lost all of her. No gardens to we had walked through, no darkened hallways where kisses were stolen. Nothing."

"But..."

"Some apprentices die." Wynne's voice was hollow as she answered, without a hint of emotion. She stared dead ahead, blinking back regret. She looked past Elissa, just over her right shoulder into nothingness. "I just never expected it would be my Alina. No matter how you prepare yourself, you're never ready. You count the minutes until the inevitable, hoping the Maker in his infinite mercy will grant a reprieve from your torment, but it doesn't come. "

"So you just...lived in fear? Miserable over what might happen?"

Wynne smiled gently, her head shaking from side to side as she gathered some of her composure. "You make the best of what time you have. A stolen embrace here, a small note there...a gift…"

"_Just open it, Wynne! We don't have all day!" Alina breathes, her fists balled in excitement._

_She eyes the neatly wrapped gift. "But it's not even my birthday for another six weeks. Perhaps we should wait until then…" _

"_It's an early gift!" Alina insists, shoving her playfully. "My Harrowing is next week, and you...you..." _

_She shakes her head, rolling her eyes playfully as she opens the gift. The decorative paper pulls away with little effort, revealing a silver hair brooch. The metal holds wild azure inlays of stone, mimicking harlot's blush flowers. She is grateful...but puzzled._

"_I always tell you that you should grow your hair out." She smiles and closes the distance, her hand warm and affectionate as it runs through her short locks. "And you always tell me: 'Long hair is so unruly, Alina; how will I read scrolls, Alina; it will fall all over when we make love, Alina...' " Alina giggles and shakes her head before pressing their lips together. "Now you've no excuse." _

"I'm sorry."

With a sigh, Wynne reached up to touch the clasp holding her hair in place. Despite everything else, it had done its job over the years. She rarely went anywhere without it. "So am I. But 'sorry' rarely fixes things, no matter how sincere it is."

Elissa nodded in understanding. "Still, though…"

"Thank you," she said at last. She waited, but the look on Elissa's face still seemed thoughtful. "If you have more questions for me, you may as well ask them. I'm not sure when I will feel like discussing my past again."

"You said you don't fear death. Is she the reason why? Because you believe the Maker will bring the two of you together again?"

Wynne studied Elissa for a long moment, but it was not difficult to guess why she had asked. "What I believe doesn't matter. What you're really asking is, was the pain worth it? Were a few short years of love worth the inevitable loss?" Her eyes began to sting, but she continued staring forward, unwilling to look away. "Yes, Warden. Even if it meant erasing all my grief and all my mistakes, I would not choose to do anything differently. I have lived a full life, and she was an important part of it. She still is."

_Alina's body rolls in perfect time with hers, a tangle of arms and legs tumbling across the grass. Her hands search for a place to rest as the sound of Alina's laughter echoes through the tower garden. With flushed cheeks, Alina pries away from her, smiling wide enough to dimple her cheeks._

"_What?"_

_Alina simply shakes her head. "Nothing. I'm just happy."_

_It's her turn to laugh. "That's what has you smiling so?"_

"_You don't have to sound so surprised," Alina says, kissing the point of her chin. "Being with you makes me happy. That's what love is supposed to be, isn't it? Something that makes you smile for no reason at all, and gives you every reason in the world to keep smiling."_

Wynne's memories faded as she came back to the present. Elissa was still staring at Leliana. The lopsided grin plastered on her face mirrored Alina's once again, and she didn't have to ask what the Warden was thinking. Her smile said more than words ever could.

"I assure you, it was all worth it. Cherish it while you can." She gave Elissa a gentle push in Leliana's direction, and it was all she needed to take flight toward her beloved. Leliana gasped in surprise as Elissa tumbled on top of her, and the two rolled about on the ground with little regard for those around them.

After a few moments, Wynne turned away and ducked back inside of her tent, reaching behind her head to remove the clip from her hair. She held it in her hand, staring down at its glittering surface as her hair washed about her face. The gemstones had not dulled in the slightest. Slowly, her lips spread in a smile. Even after all these years, she still had her reason.

**The End**


End file.
